Say Cheese

Stop Him Before Introspection Sets In

Can introspection be a bad thing? Can someone get so wrapped up in their head, that they forget about the life they are living? Let's hope not. Life can be pretty amazing sometimes between the people you meet and the events that shape it. So to allow oneself to turn inward too often and for too long, can lead to missing all the beauty and wonder that surround us in this world. That may sound a little new age-ish, but if you are alive and can see, then there is definitely beauty to be seen.

For example, people are really beautiful and amazing. There are the tastes, smells, feel, and sight of the people you meet which can be and often are wonderous. However, it is when you actually get to see the inside of another person, that the beautiful picture really takes shape. When they open their selves, their past, their pain, their joy, their wants, their desires and leave themselves vulnerable for just a second to your judgment; it is then that I am filled with awe. At that moment, you have power in your hands. Power to hurt and power to heal and power to comfort and power to destroy. You could pass harsh judgement or grant acceptance. You could point out weakness or see strength. To be in that position though, even if it only happens once in your life, is something to cherish for its rarity and the honor that is bestowed upon the receiver.

Think about what a gift it is to be granted access to someone else in that way? To see their demons and their triumphs? Imagine showing the same thing to someone else? To subject yourself to their judgment? Can you even imagine that? Have you ever done it? How did it leave you feeling afterwards? Did you try to backpeddle, to cover up, to deflect what you just exposed? Did your mind do somersaults trying to comprehend how you could give someone that type of access? Did you regret it afterwards?

I've given and received those moments and I cherish the memories of them. Except, I've backpeddled, covered up, deflected, and tried to replace the emotional walls. What drove that need? What rejection in the past hurt so badly that I can't face the judgement of another now? Why is it that when I look inward at the memories of my past, I accept it for what it is and what it's done to me. I accept that it has made me who I am and I am thankful. However, when I give that to someone else for the same scrutiny, that stoic acceptance breaks down. The nerves are exposed. The certainty, that the past has made me and I am good, comes into question.

Why does that person's judgement matter? Why is my judgement not enough? Happiness is an attitude. It is something to be found inside, and not in another person. Yet despite knowing this, despite knowing that peace and acceptance must come from within, I still have the same fatal flaw that I've seen in myself since I was very young.

I look for my self worth in the eyes and hearts of women. I search to find validation in their arms. I see this in others and I urge them to see value in themselves, but even after all these years, after all the introspection, after all the tirades and rambles and realizations, I find myself still stuck with the same problem and in the same place.

It took a little over three thousand characters of text to expose how much I have not changed. Now, I am left to wonder as to what I can do to remedy that or even whether I should. Women have been kind to me over the years, especially since I discovered that I am, indeed, not very troll like. So maybe, just maybe, instead of this being a fatal flaw, it might be a part of me that must be fed. I suppose it is as good a motivator as anything else I could come up with.

Posted by Mr. Eff on 08/29/2003

For the moment...

Book: Deep Blues, by Robert Palmer

CD: Brothers, by The Black Keys

Song: "Oh My God," by Ida Maria

Link: Shut Up & Sit Down

Ramble: Just An Idea