Ya Live, Ya Learn
Well, that teaches me not to type one of these rambles up in a browser that hasn't even reached version 1.0. I had a beautiful, elegant RANT written up and was nearing the end when my browser crashed, that dirty bugger (cursing like the English is so much fun...I know...I'm lame). I'm not going to try to recreate it, because it really was a product of the moment. My rants need emotion to back them, and...well...the emotion crashed with the browser.
Instead of my rant, which was really just the normal frustration of an almost 27 year old man who has fuck all of a clue as to where his life is going, I'm going to attempt to capture something from last weekend, which was one of the best weekends I've had all year.
Where to begin? Over Labor Day weekend, I spent my time in the city of Montreal with a friend who I had not met in person prior to my visit. There. That's it. I can stop writing now.
Well, I guess I can't. Montreal, first and foremost, is a beautiful city, but the location had little to do with my trip. My flight could have taken me to Papa New Guinea, and I would have been just as happy. What I really wanted was to meet my friend, Steph, who, for the past three years, has been a part of my life online. Although, to say she was just an online friend would be demeaning to her, because really, the Internet is just another mode for creating real human connections. That connection/friendship that I have with Steph is just as real and important to me as the friendships I developed offline.
I'll take a moment here to state a few truths from this past weekend. First, if I were a girl, I would have kissed Steph (that's not saying much...I'd kiss her as a guy too). Second, she lives with the friendliest cat in North America. Third, Eddie Izzard may be the funniest Englishman alive. Fourth, Steph is blessed with magic fingers. Lastly, I now have a weekend full of inside jokes and memories that I will cherish for a long time.
Steph was a gracious and generous hostess and I sincerely hope I did not burden her too much. I think she had a good time and enjoyed my company (she says that she did), but given that I had no place to go and was dependent on her as my guide for the weekend, it was difficult for me to know if she wasn't counting the hours before I left. Once again, my natural and annoying insecurity reared its ugly head. Was she quietly amused? Annoyed? Disgusted? Bored? Happy? Content? Offended?
This problem has plagued me for years, however, and the only reason it actually is a problem is because I care. As I mentioned in my last ramble, I look to be validated and valued by others (especially women). It makes me say grr. Grr.
While flying on the airplane back to Babylon by the Potomac, and experiencing a white-knuckle moment going through some turbulence, I thought about whether I was ready to die (yes, morbidly random, I am). I was struck at that moment by this thought: I don't want to die, but I'm not doing much with the life I have, so why should I care? When I stop to think about the direction my life is going and the dreams I have...well, I tend to get a confused look on my face. What are my dreams? What am I working towards? I often tell people that I want to change the world before I die, but how am I going to do that? Most of the exceptional people in human history worked their butts off to accomplish the things they did. What have I worked towards? How have I tried to make myself exceptional in any way (other than my exceptional ability to put myself down)?
I really haven't done much except roll along and try to get by. What's keeping me from going for more? Why am I not sucking the marrow from life? Is it because I don't think I can? Or maybe it's because I spend all my time sitting around asking these questions. I really am lacking even the faintest glimmer of a clue as to how I should proceed and succeed at...well, life, the universe and everything.
Do I need to delude myself and convince myself I'm capable of great things? Or do I just need to succeed at something, and like Lane Myer in Better Off Dead, all I need is just a taste of success and I'll see that it suits me. Could life be as simple as a movie makes it seem? It probably is. Leave it to the convoluted human mind to complicate it.
All I do know is that after writing this down, I'm left with a lot of questions and a sobering realization that my self-esteem may not be much healthier than it was the last time I had this site up and running. Wow, that is a depressing thought.
Despite all of my issues, I really had a fantastic time in the Great White North and really enjoyed finally getting to see the person I've spent so much time chatting with over the years. When I was riding in the cab back to my apartment, I started to get excited thinking about all the places I'd like to take Steph in DC if she ever came down here. Now I just have to figure out how to make that happen. Anyone want to loan her 300 dollars to fly down here? Pretty please? Yeah, getting her to visit isn't going to help me change the world (I don't think), but it will bring a smile to my face, which is good enough for right now.
Posted by Mr. Eff on 09/04/2003